MANCHESTER UNITED (AWAY)
The hallmark of the Tony Bloom era has been sustainable, incremental, progress. Things are built to last, not for show. The stadium, training facilities, the recruitment model, and success on the pitch.
But what constitutes incremental progress for a club that’s just achieved a record ninth-place Premier League finish?
Eighth-place? Seventh? Even higher? We finished just five points adrift of a European spot last season, is it fanciful to believe bridging that might just be possible?
Enock Mwepu doesn’t think so ‘if we just raise our standards a little bit more, I think we can even try to qualify for the European competitions, be it the Conference League, Europa League, even the Champions League. Why not?’
Why not indeed?
The hallmark of the Graham Potter era has been centre forwards ballooning footballs over crossbars, but last season, from Arsenal away onwards, we finally discovered the answer to our longstanding XG riddle: what could this team achieve with a proper good centre forward?
17 points from a possible 24, and the catalyst, the forward who made this possible? Dat Guy Welbz. We even won a couple of home games. Truly, blessed were the times.
Danny Welbeck is a superb footballer. If England weren’t managed by a greasy little weasel in a waistcoat he’d be in contention for England’s World Cup squad. Jarrod Bowen? Ollie Watkins? Patrick Bamford? Come on, none of these people are fit to lace Danny’s beautiful golden boots… when he’s not marooned in the treatment room that is.
But this is the new Danny, Dat Guy Welbz 2.0, and whoever is responsible for replacing Danny’s fibreglass frame with reinforced Kevlar, I think I love you.
The availability of an elite level forward, fit and free of injury, made a huge difference towards the end of last season, and could be the key to bridging the gap this time out.
For season 22/23 Danny will receive support from both Neal Maupay and Deniz Undav. Maupay & Undav, Undav & Maupay. This could well be our most iconic pairing since the peak Dunk & Duffy years. Potentially just as effective, but with the grit and defensive rigour replaced with some peakpoint shithousery at the top end of the pitch.
Le petit shithouse and his new German bestie das kleine Scheißhaus, harassing defenders and getting in the heads of opposition supporters. This might be wonderful.
Maupay is already off the mark with a spot of pre-season shithousery against USG. Nothing too strenuous, just finding his rhythm and touch for the season ahead. Undav comes with a reputation for goals, lots and lots of lovely goals, and as a next-level wind up artist.
Surppassing the benchmark Diego Simieone set with his audacious Luis Suarez & Diego Costa forward line at Atletico Madrid seems like an impossibility, surely nobody would dare aim lower? But that’s the tantalising proposition we have in store.
As an aside, I’m already calling Deniz Undav the greatest ever Premier League signings. Not our greatest, but the greatest. Leeds were willing to spend £31m on Club Brugges’ Charles de Ketelaere, a player who scored twelve less goals and contributed five fewer assists than Deniz Undav last season. We paid £6m for our man. One of the benefits of being able to negotiate with yourself when agreeing a transfer fee I guess - Tony Bloom just transferring money between his current account and his Monzo
We’ll find out across the next few seasons if Deniz Undav is a £6m player or a £31m player, but it should be noted that Leeds have recently invested £23m on a winger from Feyenoord, which suggests Yorkshire’s reputation for parsimony doesn’t extent to Leeds United’s recruitment department. Expensive forwards and wingers from the Jupiler Pro League and Eredivisie, sound familiar? Good luck next season lads, that’s all I have to say to you.
The Graham Potter era commenced on a sunny August afternoon at Vicarage Road back in 2019. But this is 2022 and the club of incremental season-on-season growth, Tony Bloom’s Maschine Fußballclub, requires a bigger stage when making announcements.
Because the latest iteration of this Albion team could be something very special indeed.
A fit and robust Danny Welbeck, Neal Maupay (who’ll no doubt start the season superbly, before his confidence crumbles around October time), the greatest signing in the history of the Premier League (Deniz Undav), plus some fancy new playmakers and wingers to create the chances.
Football is a game of hubris, or maybe it's just me that’s full of shit, but my advice is to make a start on your drink kitties for season 23/24’s Euro tour. I have.
Two crisp €50 notes to be precise, flourished around the pub table on the morning of our match against West Ham back in May. Testament to my faith.
Dear Lord, may we get the chance to purchase overpriced beer in the squares of Bratislava, Lille and Rotterdam?
As satisfying as it was to achieve the much-heralded top ten finish, I don’t believe that was the end-goal. Regular top ten finishes are the means to a much better end: trophies, European football on a regular basis, glory and success.
‘It was a great season last season’ remarked Uncle Tony in his traditional pre-season interview with Johnny Cantor, ‘our highest ever position and highest ever Premier League points… a great platform’ ‘we’ll continue doing what we’re doing’.
Too fucking right we will.
If the top ten spot is the platform - the foundation structure - I cannot wait to see what comes next.
And where better to debut the latest phase of Tony and Graham’s longform construction project than heritage football ruin Old Trafford, on the opening weekend of the season.
A perfectly decent away end (although they’re another club who have been allowed to not comply with the Premier League ruling that states away fans have to be located adjacent to the pitch, the fuckers) is let down by an away concourse that’s about as spacious and cared for as Loftus Road’s.
Broken windows, whitewashed breezeblocks, an understaffed kiosk selling warm bottles of Carling, plus, to add some big-time commercial glamour, tawdry posters promoting TAG Heuer watches and Melitta Coffee Machines.
My favourite part of the stadium is the bizarre double height brickwork dugout, a permanent edifice to Alex Furguson’s narcissism, which looks like it was constructed by the people who designed and built Lancing Leisure Centre.
It’s ridiculous and pompous, and entirely in keeping with the ethos of the football club. Why fix a crumbling stadium or mend a leaking roof when you have the world’s tallest dugout for the TV cameras to focus on?
Manchester United’s shtick used to be trophies, but to play them now is to be presented with a sort of elite level Soccer Aid enterprise in support of neoliberalism. Harnessing the power of football for the good of Manchester United PLC and doomsday venture capitalist (and John McCririck waxwork model) Malcolm Glazer.
Don’t forget to splash out in that away concourse bar, it’s all for a good cause.
On this subject, i’d really appreciate some advice when it comes to away pub options. The Matchstick Man is not a good boozer - picture the regulars from The Jockeys tucking into a Harvester’s carvery on a Saturday lunchtime, and you won’t be too far wrong - and the semi-official away option, The Lime Bar, sounds a bit West Street. Altrincham? Bit out the way, no?
And yes I know there’s 101 fabulous pubs in Manchester (it’s a great city, and catching the tram to a football stadium is always a treat), but I cannot help but enjoy the camaraderie of drinking alongside fellow away fans, where possible.
So that’s my challenge. Find someplace new, someplace better. Incremental progress, building a sustainable away day routine, not as a one-off. Doing things the Albion way.